So yesterday and I guess this morning was the annual soccer sleepover at Julie’s house once again. I love sleepovers for oh so many reasons, for one, secrets get said and maybe even a few tears are shed. In the moment when you’re all sitting around in a circle just spilling everything you can remember anyone has ever told you, you feel like you’re on a high, a natural adrenalin rush. It’s quite beautiful. The bond you create with the people at the sleepover is just amazing and you never want it to end. The sad part about high school sleepovers is that you are all usually in different “groups” so when you go back to school you might see each other in the hallway give a little smile, and go on with your day.
The night of is when you see everyone for who they are because we all get weird once the sun goes down. I learned quite a lot about certain people and it saddens me that I won’t be able to look at these people without thinking of what they did that one night. I understand we all have to do what we need to do to get by with our life, to make it worth living, and I do the same, so respectfully I can’t judge. I just crave a life when I get older where we can all tell the truth and not take it to heart every time. I know, we’re human, we have feelings, we can’t help it, but I just want the truth for once, no secrets. Time from now, I’ll probably look back on this and think, wow, what am I thinking you keep secrets too. I do. I keep a lot of secrets. If anyone actually knew what I really think, oh man, I would either be shunned or insanely popular. This world is just too bi polar for me.
At the sleepover we also talked about getting older and not doing what we want to do because our lifestyle won’t be able to meet our needs. We are afraid that when we get older we won’t live in our dream home and have the job we’ve fantasized about. I have to admit, I’m terrified. I’m so fucking terrified. I’m terrified that I’ll go into a deep depression and not be able to come out of it. I’m terrified that I’m going to have a terrible job and be one of those people that comes home and complains about their day. I’m terrified that I’m still going to hate Mondays. All day I sit and dream about what I want to do when I get older and how I want to live my life. It just sucks that there are people out there who are willing to go out of their way just to criticize you and same mean things to you. It must be exhausting. I’m terrified that I’m going to be like my parents. That’s probably my worst fear. Yes, I understand they’re only trying to help. It’s just that sometimes you can help so much you start to suffocate and right now I’m choking. I need fresh air. I need to get out. I don’t want to have a bad relationship. I want to be with someone who will be faithful even through the hard times. Till death do us part. I want to be able to come home and just smile because I have nothing to worry about, because it was actually a good day at work. I’m tired of hearing my parents complain about their jobs. They don’t realize that all their complaining is making me terrified for the future. I get it, it’s the “real world,” that’s just how life works, but if you don’t like something, like your job, something as important as what’s holding you and your family afloat then obviously you’re doing something wrong and you need to change it.
I just don’t want to worry anymore.
-Taylor
6:37 PM
