January 19, 2015

Yeah so I kind of stopped this whole journal thing. I don't really know why, I don't really have an exact reason, other than I'm too lazy to type my journal entries. I've also resorted back to writing in my journal it's much easier to convey my thoughts and feelings with a pencil and paper in hand than typing it out. My thoughts just become clear when I handwrite things. I don't know if I will still keep up with this journal. I don't know if anyone reads this. If you do, hello... have a nice day. I like writing and I don't ever want to stop but once I put it out to the world it becomes a chore and we all hate to do chores. Well, at least the best of us do. 
So, I bid you, my imaginary friend farewell... for now at least. 
-Taylor
10:50 PM

November 23, 2014

You know that feeling where you laugh so hard it feels like your about to throw up? Well that’s basically what all of last night felt like… in the best way possible. It was Julia’s Sweet Sixteen birthday party, we all rode it white limos to Waters Edge in Westbrook, a very prestigious country club might I add. The room was absolutely beautiful, we were just on the edge of the ocean, we could even see it from the balcony of our room in the morning. Anyways, when we arrived we went into the lobby and saw a sign that an Elvis impersonator was going to be there and I guess Julia loves Elvis so that’s when she found out her surprise. After we put all our stuff down in the room and took just short of a million pictures we went back to the main building for dinner in the ballroom, which is where we would see Elvis as well. I really didn’t think in my lifetime that I would see an impersonator of anyone, let alone Elvis. I mean maybe if I was really drunk in Vegas or something… but I still highly doubt it. After dinner and Elvis we really didn’t want to go back to the hotel because we were told we were going to “dance the night away, ” and we really fucking wanted to dance. So as we were walking we saw this bar Illy and heard live music so of course we investigated and what do ya know there was a perfectly sized dance floor for all 10 of us. It was live music as well, the singer/guitarist was so amazing it made me fall in love with him it’s crazy how someone’s voice can do that to you. They played throwbacks all night it was really great, we were truly the life of the party. As the night went on we noticed a few boys who kept watching us and running by the dance floor so of course we invited them over, the more the merrier right? Dancing with the one boy was great, he had some very…. interesting … unique dance moves. As we were dancing we looked over at the window and saw his other friends peeking through looking quite jealous and I guess proud of their friend. Maybe an hour or so later his other friends came over to join us. Soon the adults started coming over and oh man did it quickly turn into a “should you be this close to me?” party. At times it felt quite awkward and uncomfortable with the adults, they quickly brushed to the side the fact that we were only 16 and used the size of the dance floor as an excuse for why they were that close to us. A bit later when push came to shove, literally, we had to get off the dance floor and take a break because old Scott couldn’t hold his liquor and spilled it all over the dance floor along with his glass. Poor Scott we didn’t even see him at breakfast this morning… he’s probably just getting up now. After we took a short bathroom break to take a few more pics and freshen up we quickly retuned to the bar. Julia’s mom was giving us quite a hard time because she was tired and wanted to go back to the room, however, us being girls who never got this opportunity to have this much fun managed to convince his for 2 more songs… which really meant like 10. The band continued to play fabulous music and even promised to play at our weddings when we got older. As we were leaving we of course said goodbye to Scott and the rest of the people at the bar because Lord knows they’ve never had this much fun with “a bunch of kids.” Leaving the main building felt like the end of the night but it was truly just the tip of the iceberg. When we got back to the room we changed into our pjs and opened gifts. I have to say I truly think my present was the best, yes the fur vests were quite exquisite, but I mean nothing beats a home made card with Harry Styles and Evan Peters on it, the movie Endless love, a Vera Bradley set, her favorite candy, a ring with a J and a diamond on it (fake one of course), and a Christmas mug. I mean if I got that gift from one person, that would just make my night. My card also almost made her cry might I add. After opening gifts we watched Endless Love, and ate candy pounds upon pounds of candy. We then did the usual sleepover stuff like talking about the latest drama and and never have I ever because as girls we need to know all your secrets to make us feel like we truly know you. Looking at the clock we then realized it was 3 in the morning and the sun was going to rise in about 4 hours and we had to get it up in 5 hours so we should probably call it a night, that however, was a complete fail. We then decided we should do a challenge like the Youtubers do so we picked the whisper challenge. That game might possibly be the hardest but most fun challenge ever. This is also where the laughing so hard I feel like I’m gonna puke part comes in. All in all it was just a great night and we finally went to bed somewhere around 5 or 5:30. We then woke up in what felt like a matter of 10 minutes and honestly I felt worse waking up then just not sleeping at all. This is the part of sleepovers that I dread the most. It always makes me really depressed when we have to get up and put all of our stuff away and actually clean up the mess we made the night before. However, this wasn’t so bad, we got all our stuff together and a guy came on a golf cart and took it to the main lobby. We then walked to the main building to get some hot chocolate and find a breakfast place because we were not going to pay 30 bucks per person just for a breakfast buffet. After being informed upon all the local hot spots we decided on a place called Christy’s. When we got there it was so packed we didn’t think we would be seated to we were just going to get it to go but then we just ended up staying. I got chocolate pancakes and bacon of course, it was actually really good and the size of the pancake was just enough for one hungry person. We got picked up from the diner in a big white van and no it was not a “rape van” it had windows…. it might as well have been one of those “carrying school children” van. We all got dropped off at our house. Now I’m here procrastinating studying for this history test. I can’t believe this entry was a page and a half, I honestly did not think it was going to be this long. I love life. I love connecting with people and becoming friends with people. It’s truly one of the beauties of life. I feel so blessed to have all these wonderful opportunities to connect with people and share laughs and secrets. *Deep breaths* I’m happy. 

-Taylor 

8:37 PM

November 1, 2014

November 1, 2014

Currently watching Sixteen Candles four days from my birthday. Not really excited to turn 16 at all. Last night was probably the worst Halloween ever. I didn’t even get any candy. I know 10 years from now none of these parties I’m not being invited to will matter but I want to remember my teenage years as me having fun. Everyone at these parties are having fun. I must sound like a typical teenager right now, sorry I can’t help it. This might be a shorter post than usual I’m too depressed to write about anything interesting. I need to clean up my life, straighten out my grades, and just get my shit together. Whenever I play music over the Apple TV it instantly just makes me feel better, especially when I play The 1975. Last Thursday I went to an SAT class and there was a cute kid I think his name was Omar i don’t really know. He would literally never stop talking and I don't know at first it was annoying but then I liked it. I only have 4 more classes, maybe this is some blessing in disguise, my golden opportunity. I have to get life together before I turn 16. Let the countdown begin. 

-Taylor 

11:21 AM

October 19, 2014

So yesterday and I guess this morning was the annual soccer sleepover at Julie’s house once again. I love sleepovers for oh so many reasons, for one, secrets get said and maybe even a few tears are shed. In the moment when you’re all sitting around in a circle just spilling everything you can remember anyone has ever told you, you feel like you’re on a high, a natural adrenalin rush. It’s quite beautiful. The bond you create with the people at the sleepover is just amazing and you never want it to end. The sad part about high school sleepovers is that you are all usually in different “groups” so when you go back to school you might see each other in the hallway give a little smile, and go on with your day.

The night of is when you see everyone for who they are because we all get weird once the sun goes down. I learned quite a lot about certain people and it saddens me that I won’t be able to look at these people without thinking of what they did that one night. I understand we all have to do what we need to do to get by with our life, to make it worth living, and I do the same, so respectfully I can’t judge. I just crave a life when I get older where we can all tell the truth and not take it to heart every time. I know, we’re human, we have feelings, we can’t help it, but I just want the truth for once, no secrets. Time from now, I’ll probably look back on this and think, wow, what am I thinking you keep secrets too. I do. I keep a lot of secrets. If anyone actually knew what I really think, oh man, I would either be shunned or insanely popular. This world is just too bi polar for me. 

At the sleepover we also talked about getting older and not doing what we want to do because our lifestyle won’t be able to meet our needs. We are afraid that when we get older we won’t live in our dream home and have the job we’ve fantasized about. I have to admit, I’m terrified. I’m so fucking terrified. I’m terrified that I’ll go into a deep depression and not be able to come out of it. I’m terrified that I’m going to have a terrible job and be one of those people that comes home and complains about their day. I’m terrified that I’m still going to hate Mondays. All day I sit and dream about what I want to do when I get older and how I want to live my life. It just sucks that there are people out there who are willing to go out of their way just to criticize you and same mean things to you. It must be exhausting. I’m terrified that I’m going to be like my parents. That’s probably my worst fear. Yes, I understand they’re only trying to help. It’s just that sometimes you can help so much you start to suffocate and right now I’m choking. I need fresh air. I need to get out. I don’t want to have a bad relationship. I want to be with someone who will be faithful even through the hard times. Till death do us part. I want to be able to come home and just smile because I have nothing to worry about, because it was actually a good day at work. I’m tired of hearing my parents complain about their jobs. They don’t realize that all their complaining is making me terrified for the future. I get it, it’s the “real world,” that’s just how life works, but if you don’t like something, like your job, something as important as what’s holding you and your family afloat then obviously you’re doing something wrong and you need to change it. 

I just don’t want to worry anymore. 

-Taylor

6:37 PM

October 14, 2014

So far, I can specifically pick 4 days that have been, or will be the best days of my existence. 

1. Elena’s soccer sleep over
2. MKTO Concert
3. December 11th, 2014
4. Today

The reason I put December 11th before today is because I just know that that day is going to make it’s way to the top once it comes around. The reason today is one of the best days of my life is well, it didn’t start out great at all. I came in late to school, I didn’t finish my history essay, I did terribly on my history test that was on Friday even though it brought my grade up 1 point while for everyone else it up like 10 points, and over all I just felt like crap, mainly because of all those sprints we had to do at practice today, but it was just not your average day. Upon my arrival home I found out that The 1975 was coming to Ct… finally, I then did some research to find out that the concert was on a Thursday, and knowing my mother, she would never let me go to a concert on a school night. I then started to break down crying, on the verge of a panic attack, of course I had to text Adrianna and share the devastating news, which made me cry even more. However, I then conceived a plan, if I went into my mothers room on the verge of tears, which I already was, and asked politely if I could go to my all time favorite band in the whole entire world's concert, there is a very slim chance that she will say yes. After all, I did have to give up on going to their concert in Boston which was oh so heartbreaking. So as I said I went in with my shaky voice asking if I could go to this concert with a glimpse of hope, a light at the end of the tunnel kind of hope, she then followed up with the, “it’s a maybe,” questions like: Where and when is the concert? How much are the tickets? When do the tickets go on sale? So on and so forth. Once she asked those questions I knew i had it all within the palm of my hands, just about to close in on the deal. I then stopped begging to give her some time to think, ponder over the possibilities of what might go wrong… or oh so right. As we made are way into the kitchen she then started to give me, “the lecture,” you know the “you better do all your homework the night before” and “you know you will be going to school the day after” kind of lecture. Right when she said that I tried to keep everything inside of me from exploding, the feeling is just indescribable. I then had to share the wonderful news with Adrianna once again, we gathered all the people we thought would be interested and voila, the rest is in the future I guess. So that’s what brings me here, writing this, on this very day, the 4th most amazing day of my whole entire life. What. A. Day. So on this very spectacular, magnificent, glorious night I guess… I Taylor Davis here on promise to not let anything ruin my mood from now until December 11th. Absolutely nothing will ruin my mood, I will be happy every single day no matter what happens, because I finally have something beautiful to look forward to. I can’t wait. I can’t wait. I. Can’t. Wait. So I sit here with this tingly feeling in the pit of my stomach listening to The 1975 playlist I made 15 minutes or so ago, waiting. Just waiting for the days to go by, making sure I make every single one of them worth living until and after that day, December 11th. Matty Healy. I’m coming for you. 

-Taylor 

8:32 PM

October 9, 2014

So I’m sitting here trying to catch up on all the reading I haven’t been doing because I just don’t have time, I’m a lazy ass piece of shit, and I’m way too tired. Anyways, I’m sitting here studying my ass of because I literally have a quiz/test in every single fucking class tomorrow. My mom came in asking if she should go to the gym or stay home and workout here, she then asked me if I needed help, I then started to cry. For some strange reason I started to cry because my beautiful mother asked me if I needed help. The sad thing is, she can’t help me, this shit I’m learning has no effect on her today. She is a special needs teacher and she doesn’t need to know any of this shit. All she needs to know is English, maybe math, that’s it. So after I pulled myself together and stopped crying like the piece of shit I am, I started up my iTunes playlist and started to play the saddest of the saddest songs that I own. Let me just tell you, they are fucking depressing. I don’t know why but when I’m in a bad mood or I’m just sad, the only thing that makes me feel better is music that’s depressing as hell. I don’t know why this makes me feel better, maybe I just need to know that someone, somewhere, out there is having a just as shitty day as me. So after I set up my playlist I opened up Pages, and now I’m here. Ranting about how shitty everything is. Shitty music. Shitty teachers. Shitty studying. Shitty everything. The truth is, and I know this is so fucking cliché, but it just won’t matter in 5, 10 years. I mean, I can’t really say that in 100% truth because it’s my junior year and this is basically the year that decides whether or not I’m going to a shitty college or not, but I mean hey, I always have sports… Right? I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my life. For some reason I have this image in my head that if I go to Argentina I’m gonna have this huge epiphany about something but I mean this isn’t the Hilary Duff movie, I’m not going to kiss my Gordo after I just performed at one of the hugest concerts in Rome, but I mean a girl can dream right? The sad part is that as I’m writing this, I’m thinking about if I’m using my rhetorical techniques and figurative tropes and shit that I’m learning in English the right way. It’s a wonder for why I don’t have an A in that class. Anyways, shit happens right? Life goes on? I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. I think I’ve gotten everything that was in me out.

-Taylor 

8:00 PM

October 7th, 2014

I think I might start a diary or journal thing or whatever on here instead of actually writing it out, I mean I spend enough time on here anyways I might as well do something productive… kinda. Now that I’ve actually started writing I have no idea what to write about. Usually I just force it out of me but this time I want it to be natural, like my actual thoughts. One day I wanna publish all my diaries, I mean I always love reading books that are in diary or journal form, I feel like it’s real. I really hope when I grow up I’m gonna be successful, or at least somewhat rich, I just can’t picture myself living anything below what I’m living now. Is that a bad thing? Does that make me spoiled? I really hope not, i don’t want to say that I’m spoiled but I kind of am. I mean I’m basically forcing my parents to spend $4000 on me for Argentina, I mean that’s a lot. They can’t even give me the starting $500 let alone $1000. In this journal I don’t want to talk about school or anything like I just hate talking about it in writing. It makes me angry. I have no idea why though. I like writing like this its free. I’m pretty sure this is called something. i don’t know. I want to make a blog. I’m way too lazy. I really need to do something with my life. Like really bad. Stop worrying about other people and boys. Like shit that’s all I think about. I can’t help it, it just crosses my mind and I can’t get it out. I always say I need to live in the moment and think about me but I mean 1. thats fucking hard and 2. that’s a bit selfish. I always think about other people and forget about myself or only think about myself and make myself seem like a total bitch. I honestly have no idea what the hell i’m talking about, I’m just rambling. I suppose if I want this to sell I should talk about boys and my daily struggles and drama and shit. But like honestly, I’m on the verge of having no friends and I don’t like drama soo… sorry. I just like to observe from the distance, you know, I like to stare at people I like without them notching. Is that weird? It probably is. Whatever. I still really like E.R. and P.J.M, P.J. has given me rides home before but it’s really awkward to like him since I’m practically best friends with his sister. I don’t know why I find him so attractive, maybe because I know I shouldn’t like him. I wonder who’s he going to ask to prom this year. Please be me. I highly doubt it. Jay mother fucking Alvarrez. Oh my god. I love him so much it literally hurts. Like every time he posts something on Insta or Tumblr I get so fricken angry like ugh. I l want to meet him. Like I would fuck the shit out of him. Holy crap. I want to live his life. I wish i was from Hawaii. Everyone who lives in Hawaii has no reason to leave they already live in fucking paradise. UGH. I can’t wait until I go to Argentina, hopefully cute guys are there. Hopefully my skin clears up by then. Hopefully I have abs by then. Hopefully. Hopefully. Hopefully. Holy hell how awesome would that be if Jay was in Argentina. Hell fucking yes. I want to take so many pictures and videos when I’m there. I want to make like a short film. I have it all pictured in my head. Hopefully I don’t chicken out because I’m scared other people will judge me. Hopefully cute Hall boys go… gotta make those connections. Wow I’ve almost written a page, if I was writing an essay this would’ve taken me like 2 hours. L.B. is still so fricken cute and now Adrianna is starting to catch on and I don’t want her to. She legit ruins everything good for me. 8th grade man throw back. I can’t believe we’ve been friends for this long, I honestly can’t picture my life without her though and that’s pretty depressing. Like what am I gonna do when we graduate thats gonna be so fricken sad holy crap. Just thinking about it makes me cry. Life lesson don’t make friends is high school because eventually you’re going to have to say goodbye and make new friends somewhere else. I can’t wait until i go to college. I’m gonna be fucking crazy, i hope I go to a school that throws good parties. I still don’t know whether I want to join a sorority though, they seem like cults or some shit. But then again they seem really fun so I don’t know. I should probably go to bed now it’s 9:56 and my eyes are slowly shutting.

-Taylor 

9:56 PM